sean's Journal

happyness forever
i am so happy its un-fucking-believeable
i have a love of my life
and i made love
not just sex
but actual love makeing
pure feelings of love with the most perfect angel of heaven
well anyway
i was going to go in drag for halloween but didnt have anything
so i went as my dad with his gown and foot thing and his crutchs
and also his pain killers

but anyway
me and meliisa went up to cd wearhouse
and i saw aubrey and josh and bump and rachel the little anemic vegan and alexis and lindsey
but then aubrey left and alexis and lindsey went out somewhere
so then me and melissa and josh left to go back to melissa's and see little nick
hes so cute
we took him around to a few houses and got some candy and then went back up to cd wearhouse and went up to orange street pier and watched some tv
so yeah
did alot of tv watching
then will and anna showed up
he was pretty drunk
so i got a shot of jim bean
then came home with will which was pretty fun
hes an alright guy
my whole opinion has changed
but yeah
but its all good
and i was at peace with the world last night
and i think i own it all to my precious aubrey
god i love her so much
theres no compairison for love for her
but ill end it here
and go back to talking my sweet angel
bye yall

hated
i seem to be the center of alot of hate
when all i did was start to love
my heart feels torn
harsh words have been thrown at me
someone i thought was a friend seems to find pleasure it not allowing me and someone that means the world to me from shareing that world together
i leave myself open to these verbal attacks when i know i could say things so mean to end it
i stay alive only in the hopes that my dreams come to pass rather then pass me over
i attempt to be nice to those who attack me but only recieve deeper wounds
if words could kill i have been slauttered long ago
but yet they cant so i am still alive
though it seems she wishes i wernt
she says she wished she never met me
but i would never say that of her
she is a cool person yet has caused so much pain
but i could handle this pain if i had an angel by my side
yet she cant be
nor does it seems will be
i dont want to come between friends
but it appears i have
if me dissapearing forever would make everything better id leave this minute
and it also seems that alexis wishes me to
apperently i can "get in my stank ass van go to hell"
but her house is not the place i want to be right now
id say id go to heaven
but aubreys arms are a place i cant be now either

Current Mood: hated, so very hated

god i love writeing poems
at a time she was here
alone in my arms
but she left
and now i cry
i cry to sleep
but only the darkness wraps around me now
not her hands
or her arms
i can hear not her voice
feel not her skin
see not her eyes
though heaven and hell id walk for her
to just see her
once
for a mere second
her smell fills my nose
my pillow
my sheets
my life
but not her herself
so thus i cry
and with a sigh
i sleep alone
on my own

Current Mood: lost and alone
Current Music: who the fuck cares

what the fuck is wrong with the world
what the shit did i do
what the shit did aubrey do
there are some fucking hateful and jelious people in the world
they want neither i or a great loveable friend of mine happy either apperently
it seems they just want us to hurt and be in pain and not see or talk
so thank you all
fucking assholes
may you all be burned at the stake
happyiness is far anf fleeting in this would and it was so great to find
but now me and aubrey are no longer
so yeah
ill be crying and hideing everythiung if anyone wants me

happyness and lots of it
well lets see
it was a happy happy thursday
and today was a very very very very very very very very happy and revealing day
im in like with someone whos very adorkable
and shes in like with me too
so yeah
but we going to just see what happens
on another better happy note
im going to a tattoo convention
god i love being a winner
tk is by far the greatest radio station
god i feel so damn sexy
so yeah
love and hugs to everybody
and even more to my adorkable angel

Current Mood: giggly

today was an excelent day
definitly exceptional
and im very happy

well yestreday i went canoing
it was pretty awsome
met nathans parents
they are pretty cool too
me and ellen kicked the ass off nathan and alexis in rowing
so i guess its all good
my arms are kinda sore but not too badly
other then that ive been pretty good
no new shit to report i guess
have to get back to cleaning my room now so later all

yeah yeah yeah
so yeah
life is a wierd merry go round
and im barly on it it would seem
like i know its there
but i just dont want to ride the big horse you know
like ill stand on the side and hang from the bar to watch those who have droped out and almost want to just let go
but i cant
i see so many people i really dont know there but are such a part of my life that i cant help but see them as i pass
my brother for one
falcon for two
and i dont want to stop the ride to see them
i just wish they could get back on
but you meet niuce new people on the ride that you would rahter talk with them and hold that bar just a bit tighter
but should you find someone you like you can ride that big horse for a while till you are forced back to that damn bar you call your own
maybe its just me then
on another note i had a great time playing frizbee with melissa josh ben nathan and joe
and yesterday finally saw the movie apocolyps now which was fucking awsome
anyway
i guess im off to clean my piercing and then to bed bed bed
night me and everyone who bothers to read this stuff
you all earn a hug for reading

Current Mood: numb

so yeah
nothing much really happened today
all thats really gone on is that shrimp fest sucked ass
it was rainy and stormy and all
and it wouldnt have been so bad if i was on my own but sean and kalli had to come too
damn kalsen
long story
so yeah
but i did learn that i am the winner oif the tk101 party bus to the 2001 tattoo convention in new orleans
go me
but thats about it
so its about sleepy time

sleep
night all

um lets see
theres alot of personal stuff
and even more personal stuff
and i got pierced on the asking of someone personal who had something personal done to them personally
so this personal person might be a personal friend that i can do personal and un personal this with personally or not
but i personally like her and will hit anyone who says anything bad about her
cause thats personally unpersonal
so yeah
umm
sex is nice
yeah

so yeah...
ive been hanging around with josh and melissa and rachel and bump and matt and all lately
and ive come to discover that its almost imposibly for me to even look rachel in the eyes
and that pains me some
cause they are really pretty eyes
but i think her and bump have a thing going so whatever
who am i to argue and/or cry
im mearly one person
mearly one guy in a world of guys
and piece of shit in a world of whatever is better then shit
yeah
so umm ive decided to die
not a quick death of scuicide
oh no
im going to drag my weary body to the ends of hell and back n a long journey to the end of whatever end is to befall me
whatever happens happens
but i hate whats happening
utterly dispise it
but hey
how can i fight happiness

2 days of fear and regret
ok yeah
so last night i was pulled over by some cop who had nothing better to do then harrass me about haveing one headlight
like i didnt fucking know
so yeah i spend a good 30 minutes bull shitting my way out of it and he let me go no problems
and today
well
id write everything but id prefer not to
ill just say that i asked the girl out on a date and she said no
but at least she gave some good reasons for saying no
or at least convinced me they were good reasons
one or the other
but its ok
i still respect her
so yeah
ummm
thats about all of my interesting happy life
though its neither interesting or happy

Current Mood: crushed

its amazing how shit goes from bad to good and wierd
so yeah
apperently it rain shrimp all over joshes care
i find that really funny
but otherwise things are going well
the trem "well" being that i exist in a few special peoples eyes

eyes
so pretty and sweet
sorry
day dreaming for a second
im rather tired of it actually
im either going to get my point across real soon or not at all
and soon would mean alot to me
even if it wasnt taken the way i want
but hell
i can only but try
yeah
so ill try
ill try tonight
or tommorrow
or one of those
maybe
but if i go into a wierd scuicidal fit then yeah things didnt go well
but yeah
ill go and shut up now

Current Mood: weird

i need help
i love zen
he is the most awsome pet
you feed him a lizard and 4 minutes later the bastard is gone
dead
fried

but otherwise i have deep preoblems that im not sure how to resolve
so i like a girl
big freaking deal right
except she is so pretty
and like the collest chick ever
and has the most goregous eyes of pale blue that i seem to get lost in when trying to find a place in her heart
and it seems i wont ever be in a position to be anywhere near her heart

id say no big lose but it really is
it would be so perfect to spend one day with her
i havent a fucking clue what to do or where to start
and i dont really wanna say anything to her cause shed laugh at me
or something
thats how things work in my mind
but i dont know now
i want to ask her out
but so does someone else
and i know he wants to but he doesnt know i want to
so im not sure if it seems fair to me or him or even her
but now her best friend knows
so im not sure if thats good or bad
but even if she doesnt know or not from him im now going to be so shyaround her in fear that she might know
do i make sence at all
probibly not
i need help on this
any help
and if she reads this and figures it out
well umm....yeah id probibly just like die on the spot
which i guess isnt such a bad thing
but if she likes me too and i die then id feel bad
not even for myself but really for her
i guess it doesnt matter at this point
i want a girlfriend and all but....but what...what am i buting about
yeah id really like a girlfriend
someone to talk to and have in my arms and yeah so im a dork
why cant i be shot
please
help
help help help help

Current Mood: confused

god damn sun

i cant believe it
i woke up before noon
whats my problem

its all good i guess
at least one good thing came out of it
id say what that one good thing was
but ive decided to keep it to myself
but otherwise the day has gone on fine
yesterday wasnt what id hoped
and what id hoped was to give plasma and get my 25 bucks
buit it didnt happen
so i guess ill just have to do it today or monday or something
and ass for the poem i promised
hmmm...

to have a life
to own a soul
to be yourself
out of control

a life so fun
a life so free
a life so lost
a life with me

within myself
i go insane
a distant self
a distant plane

i tell it "stop"
it tells me "no"
i am not me
it asks "how so"

it comes to me
but what is it
it tells me not
alone i sit

am i myself
i ask me why
so i curl up
and then i cry

i am not me
nor am i here
the sweet wind blows
a single tear

these blades of grass
thses fallen trees
surly im here
and on my knees

tears keep falling
my fetal pose
hit ground and break
beneith my toes

i cry to it
"when am i me"
voiced by the wind
"never to be"

i chace it down
"am i me now"
i look inside
and knew somehow

it was not me
for i am here
i see my face
another tear

but it was me
a little boy
im lifes curl joke
im lifes fun toy

i ask it now
but not a peep
i died that day
and cried to sleep

well then
ok....so its been a month
so sue me
ive been busy alot with school and sleep and....well thats about it
but whatever
so yeah
classes suck but im makeing the best of it
and such as life is going im thinking it wont be so bad
or at least it cant get any worse
my dad broke his foot by falling of a 14 foot roof onto concrete
so he heel is pretty much gone
my sister....well shes a whore in my opinion
and me
im just lonly
but hell thats normal
so i tried to search for everyone here that i knew and it gave me some errors
so fuck it
since i last put something here ive gotten pierced 3 times
and yeah
if you know me you can guess where they are
if not then ask
but anyway
im going thursday to get pierced again
melissa is comeing
and nick is comeing
and this really cute/cool girl rachel is comeing
and im sure some other people will be joining along too
and i gave plasma the other day
very interesting thing to do
a good 25 bucks to me
but yeah
i promise to write more often
and ill put my new poem up next time
so i guess thats it...i better get to class
bye

Current Mood: apathetic
Current Music: incubus

an adventure
well....sorry i havenbt been here for a wwhile
ive been on quite an adventure
i went to atlanta
and getting there was easy
me sean and kalli made it in 6 hours or so
droped kalli off and learned sean couldnt stay with them
her mom is such a bitch
but anyway
we stay there a few days and then start going back
we only have 60 bucks and alot of change
so we get to atlanta and get into 2 traffic jams
get lost and end up about 2 hours out of th4 way so just take small roads to get there
sean had to pee so went in a botle and on himself
spent 6 hours getting out of georgia though roads that barly exists
but we made it out after 20 gas statoins
3 turns onto one way streets in the wrong way
32 signs shot at close range by me
one deaed mail box
and a deer we almost hit
so we did pretty good
and made it home in time to get incubus tickets
go us

Current Mood: drained

shoot me
well
ive decided to go back to being gothic
theres no other way to be
no heart to be broken
keep to my self
live life as it come
and hope it just goes
of course that means ill have to be scuicidal
but hey
im there right now
so fuck it all
where the hell is god and those damn bolts of lightning
death is so far away
get closer damnit
every person ive ever loved or love has decided to just fuck me over
one after the other on the same days
why must life torment me so
why must i just be the joke
i used to be happy
yeah
me
happy
but now its nothing
i dont even remember how to laugh
so shoot me
i give anyone full rights to it
and ill pay you to do it to
and ill write a little contract saying you can
so its all nice and legal
you get to kill someone
and i get to die
no questions asked

Current Mood: fucking dead

well tonight was odd
ok so i finially got up to work
blah
got paid 85 today
get another 50 for it on friday
anyway
spent half the day at a casino watching movies eating and playing games
we are on the way home

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ok so i finially got up to work
blah
got paid 85 today
get another 50 for it on friday
anyway
spent half the day at a casino watching movies eating and playing games
we are on the way home <we = me, joe, and sean> and see an all night adult book store and figure what the hell were up for a good laugh
and go in and brows all the stuff and joe actually buys a video
we laughed for a good 30 minutes till we got to L.A. body art to see whats going on there
see a few piercings get done and a tattoo getting done on this cute chick from norway
anyway...i decided to get my dick repierced
so right now im bleeding and definitly in pain
and sean and joe both got free tattoos
so now they have the chineese symbole of "to vomit" on their wrists
and ive decided to get it on my lower lip on the inside
i mean free is free after all but i dont want everyone asking what the hell it means
so anyway
that was the night
so i think ill be trying to get some sleep and hope i dont wake up bleeding
night all

Current Mood: sore
Current Music: none

work sucks
work sucks
yeah definitly sucks
seans over here makeing me get up to work
make him stop
no work
please no
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Current Mood: groggy
Current Music: foo fighters

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